My Interview with Death

I was sitting at home, trying to finish my Buffalo Wing/Gilmore Girls marathon. Then Death showed up at my door.

Death: Hey, I’m Death. I’m here to take you to the afterlife.
Me: Are you sure you have the right house?

Death: Yep, you’re Zeke, right?
Me: No, Zeke went to the store for, like, Batman stuff or something.

Death: Why are you putting on a fake mustache?
Me: Mister Zeke no here.

Death: I’m not buying this.
Me: Okay fine, can I bring some stuff?

Death: Yeah, why would I care about that?
Me: So how did this happen? Heart attack from buffalo wings?

Death: Aneurysm from Gilmore Girls.
Me: Gilmore Girls causes aneurysms?

Death: Yeah, you think listening to people talk like that is good for you?
Me: It was really just background noise to the buffalo wings.

Death: Ohh okay, let me just make you alive again.
Me: Really?

Death: No.
Me: What if I kill two people when I come back?

Death: First off, don’t call it a comeback. You’ve been here for years, but you can get back up in your ass with a resurrection.
Me: That was pretty clever, did you write that like 15 years ago?

Death: You know what? I’m trying to help you right now.
Me: Okay, how do I get resurrected?

Death: Write an article about this for the world to see.
Me: Is that how Jesus did it?

Death: Yes.
Me: Okay, is there anything you want me to leave out?

Death: If you could leave out the part where I got a boner, that would be great.
Me: No problem. Can I ask you some questions before I go?

Death: Sure.
Me: Have you always gone with the scythe?

Death: In the ‘80s I experimented a little bit with like nunchucks and I was touring with a fire snake for a while.
Me: What happened with the snake?

Death: Well I decided that the scythe was just more iconic and me and the snake started dating and so it got kinda weird.
Me: You fucked a snake!? Gross.

Death: Well she can unhinge her jaw, so who’s gross now? Do you even know what it’s like dating when you’re the embodiment of death?
Me: This is just way too much information, I’m out.