Television: The Only Family You Really Need

I was an only child for seven years of my life. When my brother died my parents waited that long before having another child... jk, I'm just the oldest but my parents weren't around a lot. So for seven years it was just me and TV. Despite the fact that I'm doing comedy for a living I think TV did a pretty good job. I learned a lot from TV. Almost every moral lesson I've ever learned was from TV. Family doesn't wrap up all their problems after 25 minutes and sure TV can't feed you and it isn't capable of love but those things are overrated. Food makes you fat and love makes you weak and sure I am those things but not because of TV. TV taught me English. I never got the sex talk from my parents, I learned everything I know from Real Sex 12. Schoolhouse Rock taught me about government. I learned the importance of team work from the Ninja Turtles and I learned all of the facts of life from that one show, you know, Xena Warrior Princess. When my brothers came around the only time we ever got along was playing video games. When my parent were around we bonded over Antiques Road Show. I love my family they raised me well but if I had to pick one or the other, well TV's a lot less needy. I'm not saying TV is the only way to go, to each their own. The only reason I really wrote this is to let people know why I'm not impressed when they tell me they don't watch TV. I mean come on, you're basically a vegan at this point.