The Lil’ Rascals

One day in a Wal-Mart, three morbidly obese children met in the frozen food section. They didn’t really need to be on rascal scooters but the store provides them so what are you going to do, walk? Fuck that. This is the story about how these three children — Clotty, Betes, and Buttcheese — became best friends. On this particular day there was only one 40-pack of Bagel Bites left.


“How are we going to decide who gets these?” Betes asked.


“We could split them.” Clotty proposed, followed by the hearty laughter of all three children. And then wheezing.


They eventually decided on making their way to customer service to see if more were in back. Their journey would be a treacherous one, their acquaintanceship would be tested. They knew that this Wal-Mart would not hesitate to throw every disease-ridden, inbred hell spawn, criminally insane, mangled and contorted… Ohh wait. They’re already there.


“There’s nobody here!” Betes exclaimed.


“Ohh, really Betes? I thought this lamp was the customer service person!” Clotty said.


“Yeah, I was wondering why you were talking to it. Also why you gave it your mom’s cell phone number. Well, what do you think we should do from here, Buttcheese?” Betes asked.




“Haha, Classic Buttcheese.” The two other boys said in unison.


They decided upon looking for like a bell to ring or maybe some sort of Bat Signal, like whatever the minimum wage, part time working, high school dropout equivalent of that would be. They searched in back and came across a dead body. None of the boys had ever seen a dead body before. There was something particular about this dead body —  namely it had a giant stack of Bagel Bites behind it. They took the Bagel Bites and rode off into the sunset.


“Hey, Betes?”


“What, Clotty?”


“I think we’re stealing these rascals.”


“So? We also found a dead body and didn’t say shit to anybody.”


“Hey, Betes?”



“I think Buttcheese is a girl.”