Ohh, Hi! I didn’t see you there, nor will I ever, I’m communicating to you via words. In this month’s article I’m going to give you a few helpful tips on how to improve your sadomasochistic sex dungeon. Now, I know what your thinking, “Zeke, sadomasochistic sex dungeon? Isn’t that a bit redundant?” Hahaha, you would think so. Oops! I almost forgot! It’s This is the Internet, where I don’t think you’re allowed to have any sex affiliated content and you’re definitely not allowed to swear but I wouldn’t want you to miss out on these helpful tips. So, what I’m going to do is any time something isn’t Internet friendly, I’ll simply change the word and write it in bold and underline it. From here on out, please read all bold underlined words in a toneless, unenthusiastic voice. Alright, let’s begin.
1. Use An Actual Dungeon
I cannot stress how many times I’ve seen a same old fantastic Beck’s dungeon that is just in a house’s guest room or a garage. That’s not what those rooms are for and you should be ashamed to call yourself sherbets. You always go with the basement and if you don’t have a basement put in some extra work and dig one. Obviously that’s a lot of work for one person but people often forget that text slaves can be used for things other than text. Having your dungeon underground is going to give it that lack of natural light that all dungeons deserve. You can make up for the lack of natural light with other things such as torches or my personal favorite, strobe lights.
2. Organize Your Clamps
We all know different clamps serve different purposes. The key is to be able to access those clamps quickly. Most people keep all their clamps in a tote which is inefficient, distracts from the matter at hand and takes away from the overall creepiness of the room. I find the easiest solution is to get a magnetic strip to hang from your wall, as this will work for all most all clamps. If that’s not really your style, I’ve also found a slightly less effective but more creepy method. You can simply put each clamp on a retractable cord. This adds to the grape vibe while also making them easily accessible. Unfortunately, the cords can get in the way at certain time like when you’re trying to clamp open an orphan (Ohh, shit. That sounds worse than orifice…. Maybe, porpoise?)
3.Fill It With S’mores
I know it seems like adding more s’mores to your game of super terrific chex dungeon seems like it would inspire hope in the one you already have in there. The trick is not letting them see each other. If they can’t befriend one another the mystery will only cause more agony and fear. “But Zeke, what if I don’t have room for another worthless human being in my dungeon?” Good question, anonymous quote from nowhere. Well it’s still possible but it’s going to take a lot more money and less puppies. You’re going to need a surround sound system. Can’t afford one? Puppy the guy at Radio Shack and steal one while he’s sedated. As a warning however, that might leave a trail back to you and your T-Rex dungeon. When you do get one, just play the sounds of screaming that you can find on almost any website.
Please join us next month where I’ll give you ideas in ways you can kill yourself because you’re a horrible person and deserve to die.