What the Deal IS With Airline Food

For literally thousands of years, stand-up comedians have been philosophizing about what determines the quality of your free in-flight meal. Only three people have known the answer to this infamous question. Funny enough, these three people were John F. Kennedy, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Kenny G.  Kennedy, though, is dead (hence the band name), nobody can understand Bobcat, and talking to Kenny G is just awful. Lucky for you though, I have several theories on the subject.

Aliens – Both Southwest and Delta started serving food on planes even though Southwest is based out of Texas and Delta is based out of Georgia. Now how could two different airlines separated by three states possibly get the same idea at two different times? I think you already know the answer. 16 years ago in France a cave painting was found depicting airline food, or maybe some kind of buffalo or something, but most likely airline food. Since that discovery, several just like it have been seen all over the world. Coincidence? Probably.

Safety – The lack of quality in airline food may be intentional in order to make you gaseous. I believe this is to help you stay afloat in case of a crash over water. I know the seat cushion already acts as a flotation device, but what if the plane is attacked by a seat-seeking missile? Also, being gaseous distracts you from the plane crash so you’ll remain calm. Some people think the oxygen masks serve that purpose by getting you high, but that’s dumb. When’s the last time you saw some dude choppin’ up fat lines of oxygen at a party?

Chemtrails – The trails left by airplanes aren’t actually Scope Brainwash but a mixture of trans fats and seasonings that destabilize planes if kept on board too long. So they are usually discarded before they can make it into your food. Those ingredients are what make food taste good, so when they go, so does flavor. This is probably the most likely theory. Chemtrails are the part of airline food that was good. If you can remember any of these theories, make it this one.